Introduction: how I learned to let go -- Failure: a most valuable parenting tool. How failure became a dirty word: a brief history of American parenting ; Why parenting for dependence doesn't work: the power of intrinsic motivation ; Less really is more: parenting for autonomy and competence ; Encouragement from the sidelines: the real connection between praise and self-esteem -- Learning from failure: teaching kids to turn mistakes into success. Household duties: laundry as an opportunity for competence ; Friends: accomplices to failure and the formation of identity ; Sports: losing as an essential childhood experience ; Middle school: prime time for failure ; High school and beyond: toward real independence -- Succeeding at school: learning from failure is a team effort. Parent-teacher partnerships: how our fear of failure undermines education ; Homework: how to help without taking over ; Grades: the real value of a low score -- Conclusion: what I've learned from letting go.