Introduction |
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1 | (2) |
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I Was a Three-Year-Old Arsonist |
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3 | (6) |
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My Childhood: David Copperfield Meets Guns & Ammo Magazine |
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9 | (13) |
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Stanley, the Magical Talking Squirrel |
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22 | (8) |
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30 | (7) |
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Jenkins, You Motherfucker |
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37 | (9) |
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If You Need an Arm Condom, It Might Be Time to Reevaluate Some of Your Life Choices |
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46 | (12) |
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58 | (12) |
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And That's Why Neil Patrick Harris Would Be the Most Successful Mass Murderer Ever |
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70 | (9) |
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No One Ever Taught Me Couch Etiquette |
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79 | (4) |
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Just Your Average Engagement Story |
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83 | (5) |
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88 | (7) |
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Married on the Fourth of July |
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95 | (5) |
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There's No Place like Home |
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100 | (5) |
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A Series of Helpful Post-it Notes I Left Around the House for My Husband This Week |
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105 | (6) |
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The Dark and Disturbing Secrets HR Doesn't Want You to Know |
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111 | (14) |
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If You See My Liver, You've Gone Too Far |
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125 | (9) |
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My Vagina Is Fine Thanks for Asking |
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134 | (6) |
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Phone Conversation I Had with My Husband After I Got Lost for the Eighty Thousandth Time |
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140 | (6) |
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And Then I Got Stabbed in the Face by a Serial Killer |
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146 | (18) |
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Thanks for the Zombies, Jesus |
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164 | (5) |
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Making Friends with Girls |
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169 | (22) |
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I Am the Wizard of Oz of Housewives (In That I Am Both "Great and Terrible" and Because I Sometimes Hide Behind the Curtains) |
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191 | (10) |
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The Psychopath on the Other Side of the Bathroom Door |
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201 | (8) |
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An Open Letter to My Husband, Who Is Asleep in the Next Room |
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209 | (3) |
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Just to Clarify: We Don't Sleep with Goats |
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212 | (9) |
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221 | (17) |
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238 | (9) |
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Honestly, I Don't Even Know Where I Got That Machete: A Comic Tragedy in Three Parts Days |
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247 | (11) |
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I'm Going to Need an Old Priest and a Young Priest |
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258 | (19) |
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And That's Why You Should Learn to Pick Your Battles |
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277 | (5) |
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Hairless Rats: Free for Kids Only |
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282 | (5) |
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And Then I Snuck a Dead Cuban Alligator on an Airplane |
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287 | (10) |
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You Can't Go Home Again (Unless You Want to Get Mauled by Wild Dogs) |
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297 | (10) |
Epilogue |
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307 | (2) |
The End (Sort of) |
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309 | (6) |
True Facts |
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315 | (2) |
Acknowledgments |
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317 | |