GHOST LIGHT
By Joseph O'Connor
Farrar, Straus and Giroux, LLC
Copyright © 2010
Joseph O'Connor
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-374-16187-3
Chapter One
A LODGING-HOUSE ROOM IN LONDON
27 October 1952
6.43 a.m.
In the top floor room of the dilapidated town house across the
Terrace, a light has been on all night. From your bed it was
visible whenever you turned towards the window, which you had
to do in order to fetch your bottle from the floor. Most nights,
the same. The bulb is lighted at dusk. In the mornings, a couple
of moments after the street lamps flicker out, it dies, and the
ragged curtain is closed.
You are sixty-five now, perhaps the age of that house, perhaps
even a little older – what a thought. You approach your only
window; it is shockingly cold to the touch. Winter is coming to
England. The weather has been bitter. Last night a hurricane
struck London.
You have never noticed anyone enter or exit that forlorn house,
but the postman still delivers to it, stuffing envelopes through
the broken glass in the door panel – the letterbox has been nailed
closed many years. Men urinate in the porch. One of the street-girls
plies her trade there, and the balustrade has long been
splashed with obscene words. Many of the window embrasures
are boarded. Buddleia sprouts from the façade.
You have a sense that the occupant of the room is a man.
One midnight a fleeting shadow crossed the upper windowpane –
so you thought – and there was maleness in how it moved.
There was a time when you used to think about him – how can
he live alone in a bomb-blasted old house? who sends the letters?
what are they about? – for it helped to pass the brutal hours
immediately preceding dawn. But this morning someone else is
come to you again, out of the same light, somehow, out of an
unseen room, out of a city you have lived in the last thirteen
years but have never found a reason to call your own. This has
happened to all of us: a coasting across the mind by one we had
thought forgotten or purposefully banished. But today will prove
him a wanderer reluctant to be exiled, an emigrant still at tempting
to come home.
He could be difficult sometimes. What use in denying it?
Irritable,
unforgiving, for a relatively young man. Because the whisperers
and poke-bonnets and gossips and sniggerers always made
such a
point of the age difference between you. Envious vixens.
Triple-chinned hypocrites, too deceitful to utter their true objection.
What are years? Fictions. Ink-stains on a calendar. There
are moments, of late, when yesterday feels a life ago, and
tomorrow an unborn century, so unreachable it seems. And had
he lived beyond his youth, the years would have contracted, be cause
a married couple become the same age, grow to resemble
one another over time, like bookends, their recollections in greyed
bindings between them and neither bothering to read what once
divided them. What's this he'd be now? Eighty? Something. A
slippered old duffer. A shuffler. An auld bags. Hard to work the
calculation through the fug of a hangover. Your reckoning of the
decades keeps stalling, tripping up. After a few ruined attempts,
you abandon it.
You take a small, sour sip. Medicinal. Just a settler. The reek
of gin dampens your eyes, somehow intensifies his presence, but
you grimace it away with a swallow.
The daily spite of this unmannerly
town. Wasn't it Yeats wrote that? Or my other lunk? Shaw.
Dublin, he was whining about; but all towns are unmannerly, to
the old, the poor, the collaborator. What is it in poets that must
dress a thing up? Christ, they'd nearly call their dandruff 'the
fairy-snow'.
Not long after dawn. The shadow-kissing time. Grey light at
the window and the whistle of the kettle as you move about,
failing to keep warm. Mittens flittered to ribbons. You wear a
dead man's boots. Well, no point in wastefulness. A sin. Down
below in Brickfields Terrace, a milk wagon is delivering. You
wonder would the man advance you another month's credit but
the fear of being declined dissuades you. Hoarfrost silvers the
pavement, the telephone kiosk, the street, the wrecked colonnades
of the house where the light burns all night, an awning
over the grocer's on the corner of Porchester Road. Rooks are
circling the chimney breasts.
Johnny Synge's bit of native. The proddy's little squaw. That
Kingstown playboy's huer. Insults hurled long ago by the wags
of witty Dublin, still audible after more than forty years.
You shuffle away from the window, to the cubbyhole by the
cooking ring. The room smells of cabbage-water and dust.
Somewhere below you a wireless is playing too loudly but you do
not object to the interruption, find it oddly cheering sometimes.
There are hours, late at night, when you miss its consolation.
Silence can be frightening to the lonely. He always said you were
over-imaginative, too given to fantasy. A Catholic trait, he would
joke. These nights, you read Mills & Boons from the tuppenny
library in Earl's Court Road. Sure you'd be lost for a bit of an
escape only it wasn't for
True Romances. How he'd have hated
them, your dog-eared and tearstained bedfellows. 'Opium for
spinsters,' he'd mock.
The sun would dry the oceans wide;
Heaven would cease to be;
The world would cease its motion, my love,
Ere I'd prove false to thee.
A song that would draw the heart out of you, Molly. That anyone
ever felt such devotion.
A drop or two of milk would take the scald off the gin. This
cheap stuff hits your throat like boiled sand. Eighty-one. His
age. If he was alive today.
Were he to be alive. Still correcting
your grammar. The sense that you were an embarrassment to
him has never quite surrendered. The difference was not only
one of age.
The cupboard contains a tea caddy decorated with a transfer
of a parrot, and an empty sugar bag that can be scraped for its
few last grains. You are thinking about the milkman, who is
old beyond his years. They say he was shell-shocked at Anzio.
The children of the neighbourhood are afraid of him, call him
names. It is whispered that he has queer obsessions, with dog-dirt,
with blood, with immigrants, especially Poles, and the lack
of public lavatories. He used to make a nuisance of himself
with a pretty schoolgirl as she took the short cut to St Catherine's,
and now no schoolgirls are ever seen on the Terrace.
He has the grin of a corpse and the bearing of a soldier, but
sometimes he stretches his stride as one negotiating steppingstones,
laughing the while through his teeth. Has he failed to
understand that the gaiety of the passers-by is forced, is actually
a peculiarly English kind of hatred? Perhaps an understanding
could be reached. If one went to him with honesty.
But no. It would not be seemly.
—
One does not ask for credit, Changeling. If appropriate, it is offered.
One must always cut one's cloth having regard to proprieties. Anything
less is the death of civilisation.
The cat slinks haughtily across the sticky, bare floorboards
and arches its back against a chair-leg. Of a sudden it appears
taken by a leather-framed photograph that is propped between
two empty candlesticks on the mantelshelf. The man in the
portrait has been dead a long time. His clothes are Edwardian:
a shabby plus-four suit and brogues, a loose varsity cap, a knotted
kerchief about the throat. An ashplant cane in the gloved right
hand and a book protruding slightly from the pocket. Sepia has
made his garments the same colour as his hair, as his mother's
chaise longue in the background. The picture has shrivelled over
the years. It has seen many mantelshelves; many boxes and cheap
hotel rooms, the greenrooms, the flophouses, the pouches of a
cardboard suitcase. There is a stiffness in how he holds himself,
as one braving the firing squad in an opera, and the eyes, martyr-sad,
are very slightly blurred, as though he blinked or was weeping
at the moment the shutter was opened. But that would have
been so unlike him.
A medieval Scottish ballad on an unseen wireless. You'd be
grateful for the coming of morning. The slowplodding clop of
the milkman's dray. Someone's motor car grumbles into life, a
bicycle bell trills, and the phantoms recede into the wallpaper.
You seem to see yourself at a distance, as a character in a story,
perhaps. Miss O'Neill shivers at the table, drinks the acrid black
tea. An offcut of linoleum serves raggedly as tablecloth; it is
spotted with candle grease and cigarette burns. Here and there
on its surface appears a crest of crossed rapiers with the motto
FIDES ET ROBUR. She has twice been married, once widowed,
once divorced. Her only son, an RAF pilot, was killed in the war,
shot down over northern Germany, never found. It has been a long
time indeed since she last played a leading role, since the palaces
of Broadway rang with acclamation for her brilliance, but in
whatever life those riotous ovations still echo, if they do, the ghost
of a curtain still rises. One St Patrick's Night they stopped a train
in Scranton, Pennsylvania, for the townspeople had somehow heard
Molly Allgood was on board. Irish immigrant families. Weeping
and cheering. Lofting children on their shoulders. An old miner
kissing her hand. Coal dust under his fingernails. Withered shamrock
in his cap. You peer at your bony knuckles, see the fossil of
a bird's wing. Can they remember they were once kissed in
Pennsylvania?
Mother of Christ
Star of the Sea
Hope of the wanderer
Pray for me.
Somewhere in the room is a packet of old programmes all
containing your name, but you wouldn't know where to find it
among the clutter. Anyhow, the ones signed by the famous were
long ago sold, with whatever books were worth anything at all.
There is a little bookshop in Russell Square where they specialise
in autographs. A kindly widower, a Jew, shy and scholarly, is the
proprietor. A Communist, so they say – he denies actual membership.
He lost an arm in the Spanish Civil War.
Does the body remember? When the mind has forgotten? Does
Mr Duglacz dream that he is whole again, a sweat-stained revolutionary?
If he stretched to pull an orange in the soporific heat
of a grove, or groped towards some Annamaria's scarlet, mournful
mouth, would he see his vanished hand and weep? And if dreams
unmask our longings, as the wise have claimed since the G reeks,
why is it that the dead are so often silent when we dream them?
Don't we
want them to speak? What would they say? Does Mr
Duglacz ever dream himself a baby?
He always paid cash, more than fairly at that, was glad to
see you coming, offered tea or a small sherry, showed you volumes
he had recently acquired at house clearances in the shires, was
perhaps even a little flirtatious in the abashed way of old men
as he fumbled among his broadsheets and foxed aquatints. ('This
might interest you, Miss O'Neill, the binding is exquisite. Not
everyone could appreciate it as you would.') But you have almost
nothing left to offer him and no pretext for calling. It has been
more than a year. You think of him sometimes. His embarrassed,
touching courtesies and mild self-deprecations; his cheerfulness
only grief turned brave. At moments he suddenly arises like
a rumour of himself, or as a reminder of someone else: the
man in the photograph on the mantelshelf. Anyhow, you are
glad. All that is behind you now. 'Bloom where you are planted,'
your mother used to say. 'When sorrow sours your milk, make
cheese.'
Life abounds with blessings. To
be alive – even that. For the
chances against our existence are incalculable, overwhelming; it
would mesmerise you even to start considering them. So many
you knew are gone. And the billions never born. Nobody should
be here. Yet we are. And it is all such a beautiful and strange
adventure; who would forgo it only the mad or the broken? This
afternoon you have an engagement at the British Broadcasting
Corporation, a part in a radio adaptation of a play by Sean
O'Casey, one of the many Irish playwrights you once counted
among your friends. You have never liked the piece. There are
few plays you truly like. You wonder where O'Casey is now.
He would be old, even more bitter. His sweat would taste like
the wince-making tea: metallic, like blood, only stewed. They
say he lives someplace on the south coast of England (
Jaysus),
is grown shrivelled with his hatreds, has been blind many years.
He wears a skullcap and sea-boots and a filthy A ran sweater he
stitched from dead critics' hair. A face like an elephant's bollock,
one of the stagehands once chuckled, and that was neither today
nor yesterday, God knows. Poor Johnnybags Casey and his harem
of perceived slights. What must they make of him, the villagers
and their children, as he shambles the fogs like a poisoned old
dosser on his way to sign fraudulently at the Labour? A Friday
night fight-starter. A slum boy translated. Has he friends? Does
he drink? You cannot remember now. Is he still at this end of
the plank at all? You picture him facing out on the storm-lashed
breakwaters, raging at the raucous gulls.
—
Napoleon the Third was exiled before dying in terrible agony on the
south coast of England. Where a lot of people live in terrible agony.
'Let me alone,' you whisper. 'I am not able for you today.'
The breeze comes back crisply, fricative, falling away, like a
saxophonist playing sub-tones, full of breath. The cat pads towards
the window and utters a famished mraow. From the cement factory
in Paddington Dock, the alleluia of a siren. Men will be making
their way from the estates of west London. The wind rising
cinders. Wives in their milky happiness. Still the middle of the
night in Manhattan.
You have nothing to eat. There has been little for two days.
The hunger is dizzying, now groaningly painful, like the feeling
that used to assail you when about to menstruate. Kindly, he was
then. A womanly solicitude. It is so cold that you consider
dressing over your nightgown and vest, but for pity's sake, Molly,
there must always be self-
respect. You cannot dander about London
knowing you are in a nightgown. It would be a nice pancake if
you had an accident and they had to cart you to the hospital.
Imagine if you died in the street, girl. Naked, shuddering, your
soles on cold boards. Quickly now, Molls, fetch a drawers and a
shift. Don't be minding the lack of curtains for there's nobody
gawping, and a nice fright he'd get if he did. A woman stalks
across your memory, a dresser once assigned to you on an
American tour, an astonishingly elderly Irishwoman – people said
she was a hundred – but her name will not come, is kept at bay
by the cold. She'd be dead these many years, you realise now.
Was it Mary she was called? Born in Galway.
You have a rudimentary wash at the sink – the lavatory on
the upper landing cannot be faced in the mornings – and dress
quickly, fumblingly, blaspheming the cold, in your old black blouse
and chestnut lambswool twin-set, and run a brush nine times
through your hair. How he drowned in my ringlets. His mouth
in my curls. Gone to spiderweb now. Old scuttler. The blouse is
a little shiny but it is a pre-war Worth; good couture will always
last, and proper tailoring. Taking your ancient box of numbered
powders, you apply pan-stick and face pack in the little cracked
shaving-mirror you inherited with the room: 2j with 3, a fingertip
of 13, and yellow for an Italian warmth. After powdering, you
dust your temples and cheekbones with terracotta dry rouge, a
touch on the end of the chin, carmine lips for youthfulness. As
you work, it is your fancy to imagine scenes the mirror has
observed. Can it remember the man who first bought it, used
it? Perhaps poor Mr Holland, the scaffolder's mate from Belfast
who died in the rusting single bed you lie awake in. You sometimes
wear his stiffened boots. You inhale him in dust. For months
after you took the room, men would call to visit him, and it fell
to you to tell them of his passing. Yes indeed, very sad. No, I
myself did not know him. I am afraid I have no address for the
family. I believe there is a brother, a priest in Chicago. No, I did
not find any hammer. He borrowed it, you say? I am sorry, sir, I
cannot assist you.
You had tried to give it dignity, your role as breaker of sad
tidings. And you were good at it: poised, neither melodramatic
nor too blunt. And it was better than having no role at all. It
was how you had first realised you had somehow become old, for
nobody is as skilled in the imparting of bad news as an elderly
woman from Ireland. Once or twice you had gone so far as to
proffer tea or a consoling glass of something – 'I rarely myself
drink, sir, but I happen to have a bottle in beyond at the moment,
which I was saving as a gift for a gentleman colleague' – but the
offer had never been accepted. Perhaps it was improper. Some of
them had looked frightened as they left.
No need to make your face but to do so is a rite, an act you
have long believed brings luck with the doing, and like many of
your profession you are unalterably superstitious. And what is
need
anyhow? We cannot live by mere need. The basest beggars are in
the poorest thing superfluous. King Lear. Yes. There must always
be more than need. Steam when you exhale. Ice on the windowpane,
on the handles of the cupboard, the tap. Winter is closing
on London and you have nothing to burn. Well, perhaps, on your
walk, you will see something you could pick up. Broken twigs in
the park, a lump or two of anthracite. Maybe try the coke merchant
in the alley off Westbourne Grove. Wander into the yard where
the navvies shovel the coal. But you would have to be careful not
to be noticed, approached. There was unpleasantness the last time.
Unwise to try again so soon. You are no beggarwoman, after all,
but an artist.
Is it Joan Fontaine someone once told me I was the spit of?
That part in the picture they made of the Daphne du Maurier
novel, what's this was the name of it now? Jesus God, Molly.
Laurence Olivier was in it. About the woman and the chap and
the house and the drowned wife and the dreaming you went to
Manderley again. You pout haughtily in the mirror. Fiercely
narrow your eyes. 'I am Mrs de Winter now,' you murmur.
Today you shall walk. That is the plan. There must always be a
plan, girl; otherwise we pull into ourselves like snails, and the devil
conjures thoughts for the untidy mind and you can lose thirty
years in such a withdrawal. This is how time unfolds when you
are old and susceptible. Wander into its spiralled shell and it is
hard to escape. The glisten that looks inviting to age-bleared eyes
has a way of suddenly liquefying and then coagulating around
your heart, and the womb in which you find yourself so numbingly
cocooned is too enveloping to allow you to resurface. You
will walk from your room to Broadcasting House, through the
grey, busy streets of a late October London, perhaps digressing
through Hyde Park, for there is no need to hurry; the rehearsal
is not until five o'clock. It will clear your jumbled thoughts to be
away from this room. A change is as bracing as a rest. You might
even kill an hour in the National Portrait Gallery, where it is always
warm in wintertime and the porters are courteous, or perhaps
light a candle for the poor in S t Martin-in-the-Fields, a church
whose strange name you love saying. It only costs a penny and
sometimes there is music, the choristers practising Bach, or an
organist at rehearsal. The great, fat pipes of the sonorous organ
like giant bottles lined up on a bar. And the ground-bass rumbling
through you, to the meats of your teeth. It is not too long to
Advent. There might even be Handel. Better to light one flame
than be cursing the darkness. And the store windows on Jermyn
Street will be beautiful.
Was it stitched into a tapestry primer?
Bloom Where You Are
Planted. Because Sara was at the sewing of it all that summer I
left school. Wasn't it Georgie had it framed and it hanging in
Muddy's bedroom between the crucifix and the daguerreotype of
Avoca. 'Jesus, come down and give me a rest.' Muddy's joke when
she was wearied by a long day in the shop. Does he be looking
and you naked, Mam? Sally red with laughter. Would he bother,
child of God, he'd have better to be looking at. And the way she
rubbed your back when you were poorly that time, and her legends
of King Arthur and Cuchulainn. Poor Muddy, God rest her and
the faithful departed. But don't be straying yourself into the
glooms.
And so life abounds with blessings. It is only a matter of
noticing them. You are grateful to have an engagement, a reason
to leave the hungry room, an interlude of parole from the cat's
grave stare, its reminder that man is not the Supreme Being. You
will say to yourself, traversing the cold, great thoroughfares:
I
am walking through London because I am busy, a professional. I have
an appointment with people who need me. Every role has its importance.
London is full of actors.
But I
have been chosen today. And
you will speak your few lines properly, with the austerity they
demand, no bogus mellifluousness, no hamming or shamming,
and the broadcast will be transmitted around the world like a
wind, to India, Australia, Canada, South Africa, what a miracle,
truly, when you think what man has done: airstreams of consolation
engirdling the globe from a bunker in wintry London. And
who can know what opportunities might result from today's
performance? An impresario could be listening, a casting agent;
a director. A little playhouse in the provinces or in Ireland
someplace. Well, it is possible; it is
possible. Stranger things have
happened. Everyone has a slow year. It is the nature of the profession.
Bad 1952 has not all that long to live. Maybe the better
times are coming in. On such a full sea are we now afloat, and
we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures.
People have braved the Atlantic for less of a chance. All you must
brave is London.
The producer, an elderly Dubliner, has remembered you at the
last moment, has somehow dug up your address, when he could
have chosen others, and to be remembered, for any actor, is a mercy.
Such a cultured, benign man. Handsome as Ariel in a cardigan.
You know what they say about him, Molly. Well, what business of
theirs? Blessed Jesus, couldn't we do with more love in the world,
not less. And if men wish the companionship and the beauty of
one another, didn't God in His gentleness make us all? The pay is
not good – it never is at the BBC – and they
always pay late, but
you have grown skilled at economising, as has everyone since the
years of war. You will be able to make the two guineas last a fortnight,
maybe more. Roll the pastry good and thin and you'll never
grow fat, and hunger is the best sauce anyhow. And you could salt
away a shilling or two for a Christmas gift for your grandchildren.
A little comic-book, maybe; a bag of sherbet lemons. Perhaps you
might even be able to redeem some of your costume jewellery from
the pawn. (Ain't so much of a market in second-hand eternity
rings, love. Stands to reason when you reckon. The girls think it
bad luck, see. I'll have a shufti if you like. But I couldn't give you
much.') It will be a blessing simply to work, to see people again.
Sometimes the younger actors are kind. They sense your fate to
be the one awaiting most of them in the end. You have become for
the young an example of What Could Happen. We should be
merciful to those embodying our dreads, for the season of our own
denouement will come, when we may embody the dreads of others.
I know
That my
Redeemer
Liveth
Your daughter lives in Aberdeen with her children and
husband, an organiser for the Furnacemen's Union. Your twin
grandsons are aged seven: James-Larkin and Emmet. You might
go to them for the Christmas if you can somehow scrape the
fare. Please God, some little job at the start of December. He is
a good man, your son-in-law But strict. Doesn't drink. Pegeen
is a most fortunate wife.
She writes to you monthly, of schoolyard adventures, of head
lice and hand-me-downs, second-hand furniture. They don't have
much. Is her chattiness hiding something? Her handwriting is
almost identical to yours.
To kiss the twins, smuggle them a sweet. So far away, Aberdeen.
Five hundred miles from London, might as well be a thousand,
for the night train is slow as a miser's compassion and it's rare
you can afford the express. And the months tend to drift, and
then tumble into seasons, and sure next thing you know it's gone
a year since you've seen them. Now don't exaggerate, Molly. It
is only eight months. And it shocked you, the last time, when
she was waiting for you at the station, and hurrying towards
your carriage with a smile would melt snow. It was like looking
at your sister. For a moment, you couldn't speak. The twins
tugging your coat, leaping around you like terriers, and the
thunderstorm of family resemblance.
Your sister died two years ago, is buried in Hollywood. You and
she had not met in some time. You did not attend the funeral – it
was too arduous a journey, you had not been at all well. And
money. Always money. The obituaries had been fulsome. Someone
helpful had mailed them from Dublin. 'Greatest Irish actress of
her noble generation.' 'The peerless heroine.' 'Academy Award
nomination.' 'No character actress of her era would ever rival
Sara Allgood. (A sister, Maire O'Neill, also acted.)'
—
Envy is unbecoming in a woman who is an artist.
'Go and blast yourself' you say, aloud. 'It's all I have left me.'
The wind chuckles feebly as it gusts down the Terrace and
the rattle of the bin-lids is the rack of his breathing.
You must
not make me laugh so, with your scampish impertinence. You know asthma
is made more distressing by amusement.
Oh the cemetery is only
beautiful – so you have been assured – and
the funeral was a Cleopatran occasion. A dozen of holy
priests and one of them in line for a bishopric and the others all
as jealous as schoolgirls. Hitchcock read the lesson. Mario Lanza
led the hymns. In a neatly wooded parkland overlooking Culver
City. And a vineyard nearby.
Oh the little purple grapes. Admirers
are often witnessed placing lilies on the tombstone, or copies of
play-texts, lighted candles. A half-mile of palm trees on an avenue
of glittering quartz; a Roman temple of remembrance so impossibly
white it would blind you to look at it in sunshine. Mexicans
tending the orchids. Hoses spraying the lawns. Negro ladies in
pink uniforms polishing the headstones till you'd nearly see your
face in the marble. They give you a map when you visit, indicating
all the movie stars' graves. It is whispered that Bela Lugosi
owns a plot. So cool in the chapel on a blazing Los Angeles day.
There is always music playing. Bach. Palestrina. A system of
taped recordings. Onyx and porphyry.
O, lespetits muscats mauves ...
And if I had emigrated to America. He and I used to speak
of it. The brave young country where differences do not weigh
and all must create themselves over. They love and respect the
outsider. We have fought in their wars, constructed their cathedrals,
bridged their savage rivers. A Republic will always treasure
the newcomer, the rebel, the player of wild cards, the frontiersman.
You and I shall truly feel we are come home at last.
There is nothing in this heartbroken Ireland for either of us,
Molly. It is a mirrorland of celibates and killers on bicycles, a
Lilliput of Reverend Mothers and pittances and fogs and embarrassing
stains on the mattress.
Rebecca. It was called. That picture.
Even after he died, in the rainfall of his mourning, you would
imagine your newfound land. Him watching Niagara roar, or in
the bird market at Baton Rouge, on the steamboat for Great Falls,
Montana. Some go to Paradise, others to Purgatory, but the good
to an eternal West. And in the years after his passing, the seasons
of your American fame, you thought of him during every bow.
To be a citizen of Brooklyn, of tall, stately Chicago. To gaze on
Lake Michigan on an Illinois Christmas Eve, the faint smell of
lakewater, and Lilliput far away, and the frost bitter-crisp as champagne.
But the bags had been packed, the return sailing taken.
There had never been a moment when you had decided not to
defect. It was something you simply hadn't got around to.
The clunk of doors closing, of hobnailed boots on the staircase.
London is outside in the rain. The house's barrenness looms
at you, each partitioned-off room a stage in a theatre gone dark.
Almost all who reside here are workingmen, labourers. No one
in the house is married. It is impossible to imagine the laughter
of a child ever lightening such corridors, or darkening them, for
laughter can unease. And there would be no reason to imagine
it, for it will never happen now. You hear them come and go; old
men in their moleskins. Sometimes they pause on the landings
conversing briefly of the weather, with the guardedness of men
who do not like or trust one another and who have been hurt
when they trusted or liked. Then the doors quietly close and
someone switches on his wireless and there arises the stink of
burnt frying. Pawned tools of a Friday. The pound sent home.
The mail-boat on Christmas Eve. In your dreams the house
screams with its murdered hungers. Its night-windows redden
with lust.
To have someone to share the room with. A few words of an
evening. Someone to make a pot of tea when you're sick. Lately
you have caught yourself grumbling to the walls, to the turrets
of broken-spined paperbacks that stand sentry about the floorboards,
to the lamp with its ripped shade, its dishevelled aplomb,
the pegs on the coatless hatstand. The night-thoughts are the
hardest. You cannot talk to the night. If you do, it might start
talking back.
He is a good man, your son-in-law. Didn't mean what he said.
Every family has these little disagreements, when harsh words
are spoken. You are his children's only living grandparent, the
mother of his wife. If you wrote and said you're sorry and you'd
give anything to see the twins. It's been eight long months. If
you promised.
Wind shrieks in the chimney as you open your tobacco tin
and extract the makings of a poor cigarette. Little flimsies of
paper, like torn pages of a bible, and fag-ends picked up in the
street. But we mustn't complain. Haven't we health at the least,
and the hurting comfort of smoke? My throat is a chimney breast,
these lips a venting smokestack. Always he pleaded for you to
quit the filthy practice, yet
he never quitted, the great hypocritical
flue, with his burblings and his
belchings and his clouds of
condemnation and his sermonising ridiculous smugness.
It is
different for a man. You know that very well. Wilde said a gentleman
must always have an occupation. It would be a nice pancake entirely if
he didn't.
Papers strewn everywhere, blown around the room like old
leaves, for one evening last week you forced open the jammed
window, forgetting the storm that was billowing across London.
The season's weather has been violent, as though in overture to
the hurricane, which struck last night as the street lights came
on, with the bulb in the hermit's ruin across the Terrace. You lay
awake in Mr Holland's bed listening to the wildness of the world,
the racketing clatter; smashing roof slates. The bells of distant
fire engines came borne on the storm. The house groaned like a
ship in a cyclone. Around four in the morning there was a sudden
brief lull and you realised that the public telephone on the street
below was ringing. Who could it be? Would anyone answer? Should
you yourself hurry down? Preposterous, dangerous. An insane
notion came to you that it was Mr Duglacz in his bookshop, frightened
among his Torahs and autographs and folios. Out of what
junkshop of the heart do such yearnings arise? It rang almost
twenty minutes. You let it.
"Excerpted from GHOST LIGHT: A Novel by Joseph O'Connor, published in
February 2011 by Farrar, Straus and Giroux, LLC. Copyright © 2010 by
Joseph O'Connor. All rights reserved."
(Continues...)
Excerpted from GHOST LIGHT
by Joseph O'Connor
Copyright © 2010 by Joseph O'Connor.
Excerpted by permission of Farrar, Straus and Giroux, LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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